Move~

I have been doing well, I have been thinking of you and I think I’m at the stage where I can accept the fact that we are no longer friends or lovers. 

Just two strangers in two different paths. You can fly as I will too. Close like nobody knows each other as we do, but like asymptotes, never to meet.

Never is such a strong word, but I think I need to accept things as they are. I wanted to pull you back to my side. I wanted to see you. I wanted all of our hopes and dreams to come true. 

I never thought I would have wanted a life without you, but some things happen to people that nobody could ever explain.

Now that we’re stronger apart, how can we ever go back? I will love you no longer as mine... but as a stranger, again.

Thank you for giving me the strength, You know who you are.

-c

Plight of Our Silence

Heart, be still... stop.
Mind, be clear... rest.

Our silence may mean a lot of things. As I look through a sea of people: waiting, wishing, wanting something to happen. I stop, knowing that I have as well, waiting for life to pick me up, wishing that some part of us still has life, and wanting to live, laugh and love again.

I know in my heart that I could have done a lot of things differently, and that’s what hurts the most. Loving someone unconditionally is pain, it’s work, and sacrifice. In my mind, I was in pain, I was afraid, and that I was suffering. In turn, I did the same to you, by being mad at myself for being insecure. I am sorry my paranoia took over.

Heart, be still...

Mind keeps racing back to every moment that led to this, I want to tell you everything. That i’m sorry.
Sorry for being selfish.
Sorry for not knowing better.
Sorry for thinking, I was crazy to ever think of you like that.
Sorry for hurting you. You are, and always will be enough.

Mind, be clear.

You already know she’s worlth it. Be content, be wiser so when the time comes. You won’t mess it up again.

I love you deeply, I miss everything.
How are you today? How is everybody?

-c

The Fall

The fall was hard, swift and painless. The fallout however, is killing me...

A ghost of you i’m chasing, longing. Memories so close, so fresh but also out of reach. I fell so hard, and you became my everything.

Dear you,
hold on.. it’s worth it.
-c

Fears

I’ve always had a fear that everything would go wrong, this trembling sensation that everything could just fall apart. Knowing this, i have equipped myself with every defense known to myself. A clear stoicism towards other people’s opinions about myself. A keen eye on subtle changes and patterns of communication, and an impenetrable wall that i built up from these fears. But why am i back here in this place? in limbo. Waiting for someone to save me, when I know for a fact that people are going to always keep moving forward, the world will always turn. It feels liberating, and i feel like i’m in shackles. Wanting to move forward but never taking another solitary step.

I always had a fear, but everything changed when you came into the picture. Walls down, and completely vulnerable, I want to be better. Every single day. And I’ve always tried to be, but it was quite impossible when you are comfortable, when you no longer needed anything else, when you give someone your complete trust. You become stuck in an illusion that everything is ok, stuck in your own little illusion of forever.

How do you move forward, then? Continue to work on yourself, be always better, and always do the right thing. You will be surprised how the world will welcome you back once you can, once you can just get swept away all over again.

-c

Goodbye 2013

Staring at the ceiling at night, thinking if everything is worth it. feeling the inspiration to write something, its 4:20 in the morning.

What happened this 2013?

Let me say that during the first half, nothing seemed noteworthy, It seemed like it was not living life to the fullest. it is not a secret that I was in a very tumultuous relationship months prior. But let’s not define my whole ‘being' with one failed relationship. in a way, I am really thankful and blessed to have had that part of my story, but things end and I have to accept that. 

Family, my constant source of strength, my greatest weapon against all negativity. you keep me going even when the world seems to turn its back on me. You understand me, you love me unconditionally despite everything I am. you give me hope that everything will be ok. I love you, and will do everything for you without question, only say the word.

True friends, my friends till the end, Robert and Mark, you truly helped me through those days where it seemed that I refused to get up, the days when I just god damn nearly gave up, what can i say, i’m a very emotional guy, I wear my heart on a sleeve and I am proud of that. I will never forget this. I hope you continue to find true happiness with Monique and Yvette. I am truly happy for you guys :)

I am happy to say that I am doing better, moved on, loving my life day by day and staying positive. It has been hard to move on, but the journey to it has been a great teacher, full of highs and lows, but totally worth it

Timecheck, 4:32

Toni, you have been such a good friend to me, I will be there for you! don’t even think twice before you ask for help, that random text you sent turned out to be good for the both of us, no bullshit here, I love you! you are my friend till the end for sure! even if our friendship hasn’t even lasted a year.

You taught me that sometimes life sucks, but human nature tends to fight that negativity, it is our human nature that makes us continue to fight, grow and mature. so let us keep growing as our own selves. maybe someday life will suck a little less. but for now, I am just a single call away.

Timecheck, 4:50

PCCVG?

What will my year be without you guys? you made this my most memorable yet. This group has taught me that friendships evolve, from volleyball to a friendship that I cannot imagine living without. Hangouts at Coffee shops from 11pm to 2am, no dull moments, and nothing fake, we don’t hang out because we have to, we hang out because we want to, in no less than a few months, we became sort of a family and nobody can deny that. what made me so attached to this group is the fact that we have many different personalities and professions. nothing is ever constant, even if we do the same damn thing every week, it somewhat feels different anytime.

Cheers, I raise my glass to everybody. and let’s make 2014 even better.

Happy new year

I love and live free, I am human and God is my witness.

-Chot

Final Timecheck 5:04 AM. Good night and God bless.

Worth It

Life is hard.

Ever come to this conclusion? most of us do, but just have that look of defeat. Yes, life is hard, but do we really need to make it harder on ourselves? Stand up, chin up, and put a smile on that beautiful face. You owe it to yourself to keep on keeping on. Maybe someday, you will find the life you live a bit easier to live.

I have lived an easy going life. and a day came that when adversity hit me, I thought that I would never recover. I was too self absorbed to see that people cared, that people were looking out for me. This was the most selfish thing that I had done.

Seeing this after a while, it hit me that I had let Life defeat me. I cleaned up my act and let myself be somebody who I would perceive to be positive, who will enjoy everyday God has given him. I loved every moment of it, and from that point on, I felt alive again.

It is now clear to me that people are truly great. the people around me are the best group of people around, maybe not for everyone in general. But finding them made me who I am today and they made me realize that I wanted to help other people as well. These people have been my inspiration.

It has not been an easy journey to this point, but living like I have been for the past few months has given me a positive attitude towards not only my own life, but to others as well, and I intend to share that positive attitude to the world even if it takes one person at a time :)

Ps.

Seeing how everything turned out, I can honestly say that it was truly worth it.

"Life is only hard if you accept that it would be hard."

- Chot

Undefined

I was whoever the world dictates me to be, but it never occurred to myself that I was leaving a part of me which is truly great. I always fear that I will never reach my potential. So today, I want to unlock that potential. I accept that I will fail 9 times out of 10, I accept the fact that not all people will like who I am. but I will never accept the day that I gave up on something I truly want.  

Why Undefined?

I believe a man's mind is infinite, that he can think of a million different ways to go about doing something with out even knowing it. don't you believe that you are infinite in some ways? there is literally nothing in this world that is constant, and I mean nothing, so why remain static? Improve daily, I mean what's stopping you from finally writing that book, or starting that diet? Potential lost is always filled with a lifetime of regret. never stop, never complain, and never give in to the power of sin.

I am undefined, I now refuse to be defined by the words of others. I will only follow the path I want, and I choose to follow the word of my shepherd. Don't misconstrue my words here, I value your opinion, and I value each and everyone's right to tell me anything they choose to talk to me about. but if what I believe in is compromised, I will not bend over backwards so easily.

I will never fear failures, never fear changes, and never fear my inadequacies, for I know that I am inadequate, that's why I strive for improvement. One percent better everyday.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me". (Philippians 4: 13)

Face your inner demons with the confidence that Christ is by your side, how can you fail for it is written that you are infinite with the power of christ.

I always loved this passage, have a great day and a happy sunday morning read.

-Chot

P.S.

This blog is about me, I know, I'm sorry for this. I'm just frustrated at the moment.