Plight of Our Silence

Heart, be still... stop.
Mind, be clear... rest.

Our silence may mean a lot of things. As I look through a sea of people: waiting, wishing, wanting something to happen. I stop, knowing that I have as well, waiting for life to pick me up, wishing that some part of us still has life, and wanting to live, laugh and love again.

I know in my heart that I could have done a lot of things differently, and that’s what hurts the most. Loving someone unconditionally is pain, it’s work, and sacrifice. In my mind, I was in pain, I was afraid, and that I was suffering. In turn, I did the same to you, by being mad at myself for being insecure. I am sorry my paranoia took over.

Heart, be still...

Mind keeps racing back to every moment that led to this, I want to tell you everything. That i’m sorry.
Sorry for being selfish.
Sorry for not knowing better.
Sorry for thinking, I was crazy to ever think of you like that.
Sorry for hurting you. You are, and always will be enough.

Mind, be clear.

You already know she’s worlth it. Be content, be wiser so when the time comes. You won’t mess it up again.

I love you deeply, I miss everything.
How are you today? How is everybody?

-c

The Fall

The fall was hard, swift and painless. The fallout however, is killing me...

A ghost of you i’m chasing, longing. Memories so close, so fresh but also out of reach. I fell so hard, and you became my everything.

Dear you,
hold on.. it’s worth it.
-c

Fears

I’ve always had a fear that everything would go wrong, this trembling sensation that everything could just fall apart. Knowing this, i have equipped myself with every defense known to myself. A clear stoicism towards other people’s opinions about myself. A keen eye on subtle changes and patterns of communication, and an impenetrable wall that i built up from these fears. But why am i back here in this place? in limbo. Waiting for someone to save me, when I know for a fact that people are going to always keep moving forward, the world will always turn. It feels liberating, and i feel like i’m in shackles. Wanting to move forward but never taking another solitary step.

I always had a fear, but everything changed when you came into the picture. Walls down, and completely vulnerable, I want to be better. Every single day. And I’ve always tried to be, but it was quite impossible when you are comfortable, when you no longer needed anything else, when you give someone your complete trust. You become stuck in an illusion that everything is ok, stuck in your own little illusion of forever.

How do you move forward, then? Continue to work on yourself, be always better, and always do the right thing. You will be surprised how the world will welcome you back once you can, once you can just get swept away all over again.

-c